I figured it's time to get real again. And since I have about zero regular readers on this blog I also figured I could just let it all out and it won't really matter all that much. Ha
I don't want judgment here. I don't want anything. I just want to get it out today. Because sometimes it helps.
Have you ever been depressed? I don't mean that was a hard day depressed. Or I failed a test depressed. Or even going through a hard time right now depressed. I mean that voice in your head that says "you're not worth it" over and over and over for days, weeks, months, even years on end. The voice that is so loud that at times you're tempted to shut it up permanently. The voice that makes you wonder if your "good" days are real at all.
Ever had it? It sucks. Big time. And lately my voice is LOUD. Some days it is literally all I can do to get my butt out of bed. Then I have to face the day with my life. I go to the gym because it helps. It really does. But I feel like an anti social wench when I am there. I get in, get out, and get on with my day. I don't talk much. And I know I'm slightly negative when I do. But I'm trying. You know the worst part of my depression though? I'm lonely. So then I go places and try not to be lonely but the voice says "they don't want to know you anyway" or "If they knew the real you they would hate you too." And then I act like I hate the world. So of course people steer clear. And the people who do reach out to me and call me a friend, well I think they're lying. Because who would want to be friends with a person like me.
See. Depression sucks.
It's not just the gym. It's church, my kids school, life in general. It's annoying. Trust me. And even though logically I can see that the reason I'm lonely is because I make myself alone....I still can't make the voice shut up and move past it to open up to others and BE a friend to them as well.
If you're never struggled with ongoing depression let me tell you something. It is EXHAUSTING. And it's not just a matter of focusing on the positive, or changing your attitude. When you're stuck in a rut you are gripping to your last string of hope so tightly that you can't really focus on much else. If you have struggled, you get it. If you haven't then be very grateful. And have some patience with people you know who are. Don't pity them though; trust me when I say that only makes it worse.
Right now I want to take my stupid depressed side and beat her up. Because right now the voice is bringing back something I thought I had kicked years ago. Nothing like a reminder that you're never actually cured from an eating disorder. That no matter how much you try to manage your thoughts or feel good about your body there will always be these nagging thoughts that creep in uninvited.
I cannot see anything good about my body right now. I KNOW what it can do. And for a while I was proud of my strength. But now all I see if flaws. I look in the mirror and think I'm ugly. And fat. I am thoroughly convinced that my husband secretly thinks I'm disgusting but won't admit it. (see, how is that for screwed up?). I fear that every bulge of fat is seen by everyone and that I'm kidding myself by thinking I could ever look or feel the way I want to. Logic tells me I am wrong. My brain and my eyes tell me something else. It's messed up. And it makes me angry that this is coming back up again. I fought this dragon for years. Why is it back? And why am I having these struggles at the same time I am trying to raise SEVEN DAUGHTERS! How am I supposed to help them through their own adolescence and body image issues when I'm struggling with my own? It's ridiculous.
So that's me. I don't know what else to write right now. I just want you to know that I am holding on to that thread of hope with every last bit of energy that I can muster. And if that means right now I'm not super friendly, I'm sorry. Just please believe me that I'm really not just a total bitch.
Now back to your regularly scheduled food porn. My next post will be much more appetizing.
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