Fear vs Faith

Ever heard that phrase before, or seen a similar picture made? Me too. I hear it all. the. time. And you know what sucks? Recently I've come to the realization that my fear is 100% bigger than my faith. And it sucks. Fear of what? Fear of failure. At everything. Because I truly feel that I pretty much suck at everything I try to do.

Mother? Ha! I am literally probably the worst mother I know, or that you know either. I yell. I struggle. Sometimes I want to run away and not come back. And sometimes I have this voice that says "why did you even want kids?" I suck. The kids know I suck. And I'm pretty sure most of the people who interact with us know I suck.

Business? Um. Ya. I have opened and failed at 3 businesses over the past 10 years. I'm working on #4 right now and it's not looking so good. Because I am terrified. Scared of hearing the "no," looking at all my inventory and thinking "I'll never be able to sell all that. What have I done?" It's not that I don't love the business. I do. I LOVE it. I want everybody to love it. But what if they don't? I can't seem to get past that to the "But what if they DO!?" thought that all the successful people have.

Exercise. Eating right. I try. And I think I do pretty well. But then I look in the mirror and all I see are flaws. I see the love handles. I see the saddlebags. I see my crappy scores on every single workout. I see my times and pace decreasing. And I'm afraid that no matter how hard I work I will always see the fat girl.

Friends. I feel like I have none. Because, honestly, who would want to be friends with me. I am negative. I am unkind. I am afraid of everything. And I can't seem to break out of this stupid funk which I have been stuck in for a very long time.

So there you have it. My fear is WAY bigger than my faith that this will all get better. So what now?

It's kinda nice that nobody even reads this blog. I can be honest and not worry about what you'll think. But maybe it's time to stop worrying about what people think anyway.

I have to get through this. Somehow. But how do you get through fear when you're afraid that no matter what you do it won't work anyway?

Seriously I am living the definition of stuck between a rock and a hard place.